Because you do not ask

My 3 year old, after a very joyful 20 minutes of morning, somehow stumbled into the dark side and decided to scream, wail, and gnash teeth for close to 45 minutes today.  Aside from the fact that she had probably woken up too early from yesterday's activities, the reason for the tantrum was unfounded.  She decided she couldn't pull on her trousers without help and rather than ask for help, she decided to cry, grunt, and throw a fit.  She knows how to put on her trousers; she knows how to ask for help; she was reminded throughout the tantrum that I would be very happy to help her if she would only ask.  She stubbornly refused.  Each reminder served to intensify her cries and her refusal that she couldn't do it.

The entire time I'm watching her I'm thinking of James 4:1-3 (NIV).

4 What causes fights and quarrels {tantrums} among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you? ² You desire but do not have, so you kill. You covet but you cannot get what you want, so you quarrel and fight. You do not have because you do not ask God. ³ When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures.

Why didn't I just help her?  Why did I "stubbornly" refuse to help? Sure, I knew what she wanted, but I also knew that 1) she knows how to ask properly and 2) she even knows how to put her clothes on herself.  I want her to ask because I think it shows practical humility - she isn't the center of the universe.  A request can be denied while an expectation or demand should normally be based on some fact or authority that implies its fulfillment or ability to be fulfilled.  I expect my daughter to ask me a question in a nice tone of voice and to say please because she has been taught to do this and has demonstrated that she is capable of it.  I also believe that the asking reflects an understanding that you need help, that you are not fully independent and all-powerful.

While my older, socialized, and civilized self no longer throws physical fits with kicking and screaming, I think that my emotional or spiritual tantrums and stubborn refusal to acknowledge my dependence are just as ugly to God  as my daughter's tantrum is to me.  As a parent, I see tons of things I could help my daughter with.  So many things that would make life simpler and easier, or that if I took care of now, it would not be a problem in 15 minutes time. I'm sure that God sees many more of those moments in my life.  Yet, he stands back and watches, serious and saddened, but letting me try to huff it all  by myself.  You do not have because you do not ask God.

And then, when I finally do ask, in an exhausted pile of frustration - I do not receive, because I ask with wrong motives, still not a request but a demand - barely an acknowledgement that God is standing there and "hey, why don't you make yourself useful and help!", not a request and not a recognition that he could do it all; that he could have done it all without any huff or effort on my part, but still a demand that He do something  for me -- not because I recognise his greatness, but because I find it inconvenient and impossible to accomplish the task on my own - not that I couldn't have done it, if the situation had been different of course.

I find, that teaching disciplining my daughter is very much more about teaching and disciplining myself as I seem to feel that this parenting bit gives me a better understanding of how our heavenly Father sees me and my arrogance and independence.